Things to do at the funeral of somebody you didn't really like...

1.Tell the widow you're sure you saw him move

2. Go to the funeral dressed as the deceased, and call the widow a fraud

3. Bring a dog to the funeral and have him play dead

4. Sign the deceased's name in the guest register

5. Ask the widow to pose for a picture with her arm around the coffin, and then stall for a long time, pretending you can't get the camera to work, finally giving up because the batteries are dead

6. Bring a shovel to the church

7. Ask the widow if you think it would do any good to shake him

8. Put waxed lips on the body

9. Ask the widow how long she's been sure he's dead

10. Tell the widow alot of his favorite TV shows were cancelled, anyway

11. Put a bumper sticker on the hearse that says, "I'd rather be breathing"

12. Ask the widow how long it will be before she starts dating

13. Tell the deceased's mother that you never expected them to go in this order

14. Put a parking ticket on the coffin

15. Clam on the body

16. Ask the widow if she's going to ride to the cemetery with the body


17. Hide behind the casket and talk to the mourners as they kneel in front of the body

18. Send the widow a singing telegram from the deceased

19. Tell the younger children at the funeral that it is appropriate to sign the coffin

20. Ask the widow if you can take a finger

21. Tell the widow in a loud stage whisper, "I'll bet this is costing you a pretty penny."

22. Ask the deceased's mother what she was doing when she got the news

23. Tell the widow that the body doesn't look comfortable

24. Ask the widow if she's aware of any job openings

25. Comment often on the similarity between John F. Kennedy and the deceased

26. Tell the widow you think he'd look better on his side

27. Tell the widow you suspect foul play

28. Keep trying to French kiss the widow

29. Entertain the guests with a hand-puppet replica of the deceased

30. Put a lit cigarette in the deceased's mouth

31. Put a pair of shoes under the coffin

32. Wear a "Grateful Dead" t-shirt to the wake

33. Read this list to the mourners

34. Put a check to the deceased's favorite charity in the coffin

35. Sing "Tea For One" at the church