After getting held up a little to long at work .. I had to do the 6 minute scramble to make the train on time. The journey from my office to the train takes me through the Prudential Mall and the Copely Mall and at a normal pace will take 10 minutes.

Unfortunately 6:00pm is also known as idiot hour peak traffic time which makes rushing through a crowded mall and adventure in itself. It is very reminiscent of a running back trying to break through a defensive line pinned at the 1 yard line.

A sprint such as this is usually inclusive of a few good stiff arms, and a hurdle over 12 year old girl. Today, not only did I have to deal with meandering window shoppers but an also almost bursting bladder combined with a crowded colon.

The time it takes me to do the train scramble has been improving, I find I can make it in almost 4:00 minutes ... as I did today. This gave me some much needed time to unload some baggage. When I got to the station I had time to relieve myself, I hurried into the only stall that didn’t look like a homicide took place in it last night, loosened my pants then I found the holy grail of bathroom surprises … a two day old floater.

We have all seen one of these gems before, because I guess even a cleaning crew doesn’t know how to rid a toilet of a floater.

I wish this was the first time that this has happened, far from it. I guess the entire process of going to the bathroom baffles some people. So here are my notes from Bathroom 101.

1. Step One:* Remove any obstructing clothing.
   * Optional only if really drunk, or if you are suffering from stage two hypothermia.
2. Step Two: Sit on the water filled apparatus, also known as a toilet, and wait while the “magic” happens. Thinking about running water or clips of Jay Leno’s Late Show should speed this process up. Keep your ass over the toilet during the entire process to receive extra credit.
3. Step Three: Once the “magic show” is over, remove paper cleaning agent from the high-tech storage device and utilize said cleaning agents. When done with the paper cleaning agent you can dispose of it inside of the toilet bowl, throwing used paper cleaning agent on the floor is an common misconception.
4. Step Four: Now this is where I guess it gets tricky, push down on the shiny silver lever on back side of the toilet. If the handle looks unsanitary and you don’t want to touch it, you can use your foot to also trigger this device. Once you have successfully completed this step you will be alerted by a loud SHWOOOSHING noise followed by the departure of any and all used paper cleaning agent and the “magic” you created.

Also to be noted, I saw the floater … but I didn’t notice any used toilet paper anywhere. This genius must have been in a REAL hurry and I guess we know where his priorities were.

People, this isn’t that hard. Flush the damn thing down.