There is a major epidemic sweeping the nation currently. Symptoms of this epidemic may include; slurring of words, incoherent rambling and shouting, unnecessary sobbing, hooking up with that ugly girl from customer service and getting back together with ex-girlfriends whom you’d rather nail your dick to your own coffin than see again. Every night thousands of men and women alike are unfortunately diagnosed of placing phone calls while drunk.

Last Tuesday night I too fell victim to this horrible condition. After a hard day at work, my roommates and I decided to go to the bar for “a quick one”. That “Quick One” of course turned into a “Blurry Twelve” and 5 hours later, I found myself piss-drunk on a late Tuesday night for no apparent reason.

When I woke up that following morning with what seemingly was cat shit in my mouth and a massive hangover, I saw a note on my nightstand. After a quick read I realized that I wrote it to myself when I was drunk to inform me of the previous night’s events. I guess at 2am when I was flipping through my phone book and I decided to call my girlfriend and ask her some incoherent questions. After I hung up I felt bad and wrote a note to myself to apologize to her when sober.

She was a good sport about things, as she always is, but nothing is worse than talking to somebody who is a drunk mess especially when your stone sober and were just woken up by said drunkard.

Cell phones should come with breathalyzers attached to them. To use the phone you should be required to give it one good puff. This would insure that you are coherent enough to communicate with the sober people of the world and wont cause harm to anybody or make an ass out of yourself. Once you blew into the phone and it should register you as “sober”, “buzzed”, “drunk” or in my case “shit-faced”. Each contact could respond differently to your level of intoxication.

Phone numbers such as bosses, mothers, ex-girlfriends, parole officers and such should downright disallow you to call them when drunk requiring you to “sober up” and try again.

Other contacts like drinking buddies should be warned of your status before they answer the phone. A gauge could appear next to your name which would allow them to asses the situation before they answered the phone.

Buzzed (1-6 Beer Icons)
The caller is out having a good time, you may want to answer this or miss out.

Drunk (6-12 Beer Icons)
He’s already drunk, its gonna be 15 minutes of him slurring words and yelling into the phone. Fun.

Shit-Faced (12+ Beer Icons)
He’s absolutely hammered, unless you like cleaning up puke out of the back seat of your car at 2 a.m. and bailing people out of jail you may want to let this one go to voicemail.

My DUI last night was very minor in severity and repercussions when compared to what could, and probably does happen nightly. I would find this feature much more useful than “picture messaging”