Fantasy Television
Posted on April 07, 2005 in EntertainmentThat’s it, its time for me to cash in on all this reality TV crap -- make a few million and buy myself a new golden spittoon.
With reality TV unfortunately not going away anytime soon .. and with fantasy sports sites becoming part of the daily routine for every man in America .. I figured it was time to play chef and blend the two.
The idea is simple -- to pick a cast of the most vile, ignorant and destructive bastards of the entertainment industry for your "fantasy house". When the game begins you draft 5 cast members or players, and you try to score more points than the other houses drafted. You can pick any washed up actors, musicians, rappers (because we all know they aren’t musicians), superstars, sports figures, politicians, producers and MTV’s reality show cast members.
Now you can only score points on offences which happen during a “non-scripted” show (supposed “reality” show) or in real life and the points vary greatly depending on merit of offence. (see figure 1-1) The offence needs to be either captured on camera for review or convicted of in court of law (these are the big plays) to prove its validity. All offences are subject to review by our panel of Judges (TBD, apply here if interested in watching hundreds of hours of reality TV)
The offence range from spitting on camera to the MVP Superbowl like offence of -- getting arrested and convicted of drunk driving with a transvestite prostitute in the possession of your player was cocaine and a handgun while he was trying to flee the crime scene of a double homicide in a white ford bronco all while wearing pool swimies.
I have put together this chart of offences which will be finalized before we draft our houses. All incidents may apply for more than one offence.
Let me give you an example -- Eminem is charged and convicted “wit” possession of a handgun after someone in his crew shoots someone, he is then sentenced with 8 months in jail. This would score you 63 points (61 if Eminem makes bail).
Here is a breakdown on how we got that number -- Eminem gets Arrested 5pts (-2 if he makes bail), Sentenced to Jail +10 pts, +8pts for 8 months in Jail, +10 because someone in his crew was in a shooting, +10 because someone was shot and finally +20 pts. for the possession of the handgun charge.
We also need to begin thinking about a draft order, In the top twenty needs to be Michael Jackson, 50 cent, Landon from Real World Philly, Paris Hilton, R Kelly, DMX, Eminem, Winona Ryder, Lil’ Kim and Plaxico Buress. Who do you have?

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I think I would have to go with Courtney Love as my "go to" trainwreck. Others I might pick up would be Puck from Real World San Fran (?), Abe from Road Rules something or other, P Diddy's posse, Tommy Lee, Lindsey Lohan (outside shot), G-Unit, and Ron Artest.
Oh those are SOLID picks Nicole, much better than your final 4 .. you would do well at this game .. this would probably be really fun to actually do all kidding aside.
Ron Artest ... he's only weeks away from a Gun Possession charge, Lohan will end up spread eagle somewhere, I think pucks 15 minutes are over with the reality crew at MTV but a solid pick for a real world crisis.
I think we need to add "get checked into drug rehabilitation center" as a offence. Courtney would totally grab some points with that one.
I've been pondering this, and I definitely think "checked into rehab" needs to be a countable offense. I see no need to descriminate on type of rehab though. With this new offense in place, an Osborne (Kelly?) should make the top twenty as well as the slighter Olsen twin MK.
Perhaps there should be bonus points for RE-checking into rehab.