I can see it now -- all the angels and saints in heaven are huddled around a gigantic cloud in the sky. Jesus comes to the table and asks for new ideas to help spread Christianity thought the world.

“Lets perform a miracle” one young angel yells.

“No” Jesus quickly replies empathetically “we have tried that before -- we need something new and exciting.”

After a few minutes of random ideas being tossed around, Saint Peter leaps to his feet and yells “I got it! We will take the Virgin Mary’s face and embed it in a grilled cheese sandwich!”

Jesus quickly replies … “Brilliant! I love it – Lets do it! … The only question is what kind of cheese use?”

[insert laugh track]

People -- that isn’t the Virgin Mary in your grilled cheese. She isn’t inscribed in rock salt under an underpass, nor is she in the skid marks in my underwear.

The fact that groups of people flock to these so called monuments just shows you how some it seems that religions are on their last dying breaths. They are so desperate for a “sign” that they scour the world looking for anything that even remotely resembles her likeness.

Were also not just talking about a nut job here or there, the fact that these “artifacts” are sold on eBay for thousands of dollars after hundreds of bids just goes to show you how many of these fanatics are out there -- and those are just the nut jobs with computers!

I myself am not a very religious person, I don’t know if it was all the unbelievable stories or the priest constantly shoving his fingers in my ass that turned me off. I just put my trust in the sciences and there is a perfectly good scientific reason for all these happenings.

If you burn enough grilled cheeses, randomly -- some day -- somewhere the burn marks are going to look resemble the Virgin Mary or maybe even Tom Green sucking a cows utter. The keyword here being “random.”

If there ever was a return of Christ – I sure hope his announcement wouldn’t come on the side of a piece of cheese surrounded by two pieces of .99 cent sunbeam bread, he should at least upgrade to the sesame seed arrangement on the top of every Big Mac sold worldwide promotion .. now that’s some solid publicity!

As a kid I remember looking up at the drop ceiling in my bed room wondering if there was anything to the pattern of dots -- I think I found an R2D2, a dirty tennis shoe and a creature whom looked something like the cookie monster if he dropped 30 pounds and was wearing glasses.

Yes, I had too much time on my hands as a kid and that’s my exact point.

Instead of flocking to these meaningless monuments, why don’t you create a true mini miracle yourself. Spend a day in a soup kitchen feeding the hungry, spend a day volunteering somewhere, visit an old folks home and bring a smile to someone’s face -- do something productive!

This is the exact insanity which has led me to become an unbeliever in religion and turned to rational scientific thought – plus the fact that none of my science teachers tried to put a candlestick in my ass.

Send hate mail if it makes you feel better.